Caring and Sharing

This is late, but let’s pretend this was posted on Thursday J:

Today is National Coming Out Day.

I briefly considered posting what seems to be the obligatory “I’m queer! Happy Coming Out Day!” status update on Facebook.  Then I spent some time last night, and at different points throughout the day, thinking about how I might add to that rather insubstantial statement (not to undermine everyone who did post statuses of that sort) to make it more empowering and more inclusive.  But the more I thought about what I might say; I began to realize that I have a lot of thoughts about “coming out” and they wouldn’t all fit into a status update.

I’ve never quite understood, personally, how to go through the process of “coming out.”  I have yet to date a person of the same sex, and even though I am very vocal about whom I find attractive—male, female, or otherwise—how I identify myself to others isn’t really necessary.  My sexuality is an important part of me, and I want to share that part of myself with others.  At the same time, it’s a bit awkward to bring up the subject with people I barely know, or people I’ve known for years, but am only acquaintances with.   I’ve never made an effort to broadcast my sexuality, because it really isn’t anyone’s business, but I also haven’t made an effort to “stay in the closet,” so to speak.

In talking about the concept of “coming out” with another Smithie, it was also pointed out that the phrase itself is problematic in some ways, and an inadequate way of describing the process of disclosing one’s sexuality/gender identity.  To begin with, “coming out”—as my fellow Smithie pointed out—is a process.  As a person meets new people and begins to grow comfortable with them, it may mean having to go about “coming out” multiple times.  The phrase also has, in some ways, a negative connotation, as the idea of a “closet” implies that a person is trying to hide. In trying to come up with a different way of framing and talking about the concept of “coming out”, I came up with the phrase “discovering and sharing” one’s sexuality/gender identity.  For many people, understanding their own sexuality/gender identity is a process, and in a very heteronormative (among a laundry list of other restrictions) culture it can be quite difficult.  And for some, “discovering” their sexuality/gender identity may be a continuous experience as they learn new things about themselves and, by extension, their sexuality/gender identity.  “Coming out” can often be liberating, or a political statement, but, for me, telling my friends that I am bi* felt more like I was just sharing another aspect of my personality with them.

It is also important to keep in mind that the act of “coming out” is, in many ways, a privileged act.  While plenty of people choose to share their sexuality/gender identity regardless of what reaction they think they will receive, still others choose not to do so out of fear.  Unfortunately, this fear isn’t unsubstantiated.  Hate crimes, bullying, homelessness, familial rejection, job less, etc. are all very valid concerns of people who do not identify as cisgendered and/or heterosexual.  For some people “staying in the closet” is safer.  I certainly don’t say any of this to discourage people from “coming out.”  Sharing one’s sexuality/gender identity is frequently a risk, but for many it is a risk they are willing to take. 

The ultimate objective behind National Coming Out Day, I believe, is to create visibility.  National Coming Out Day exists to inform people that LGBT people are not just the people you see in Lifetime movies, or protesting on the news.  We occupy every corner of society. We are your sisters, your brothers, your cousins, your nieces, your nephews, your aunts, your uncles, your friends, your classmates, your colleagues—and on and on the list goes.

We’re here; we’re queer; get over it.

*I define bi as having the capacity to be attracted to people of all, or no, genders.

The Shapes of Reality

This has been done before, and possibly with more finesse (for all I know, it has been done many times before), but I'm feeling a bit rant-y and I want to do this in my own words: stop saying "real women". Unless you're talking about the difference between a living, breathing person, and a fictional character, you are probably not using that phrase correctly.  You may think that what you are saying is helpful, or progressive, but really, it's not.

Seventeen magazine recently declared that they would not digitally alter the images of the models in their magazine.  I think this is good, and all, and it definitely demonstrates the ability that individuals have to effect change.  What I have a problem with (aside from the fact that Seventeen is frequently shallow, contradictory, and misogynistic--but that's a post for another day), is that Seventeen has said that they will "'celebrate every kind of beauty' and feature 'real girls and models who are healthy,'" (emphasis mine)

I honestly appreciate the efforts that various people and organizations make in order to recognize that the majority of women--the majority of models, even--do not look like the women featured in most magazine.  I take issue, however, with the idea that women who have a weight that is below average or is even unhealthy are somehow 'unreal.'

Somewhere Under the Rainbow

One of my friends is doing a project on class, race, and body image, and asked me to share my thoughts. I figured that this is as good a place as any to do so.  For the most part, these are personal opinions and experiences. I do also mention societal and cultural norms, stereotypes, and tropes, but this is still very much told from my point of view.  Obviously there are a variety of truths and stories related to this subject.  I can only speak from the view-point of a person at a certain socio-economic level, or as a member of a certain race, or as a person with my particular body. I don’t claim to speak for any groups.

The Woman Question

After Where is Smith? The question I get asked most frequently (and normally slightly derisively) is Why are you going to an all women school?

For the most part, this question just irks me, because there is nothing wrong with going to an all women’s college. In fact, I have a small list of complaints about this question:

1. It implies that there is something wrong with all-female company/companionship
2. It comes across sounding ridiculously heteronormative
3. Smith is part of a consortium with co-ed schools. There will be guys on campus. Just not very many. This question assumes there aren’t any.
4. It implies I want/need to hang out with men, which I don’t. I’m not saying this because I’m a misandrist, in fact, the same works in reverse. I like hanging out with people. Women are people.

At the same time “Why a women’ college?” is a good question that many people considering a women’s college may ask at some time. Obviously, not all women would enjoy going to an all-women school. At first, I didn’t want to, either. I get it. Some people prefer hanging out with guys, or believe women are too dramatic, or they want to have wider, more accessible dating choices. There is nothing inherently wrong with this question, just the tone that it’s generally asked in.

And so, here is my list of reasons for choosing an all-women’s school (most of these are Smith specific):

"Words, Words, Words" (Or: Quotes, Authors, and Inspiration)

If I'm remembering correctly, I first learned to read when I was four. I'm sure this has something to do with the fact that my mother was an English Major/professor. In any case, for as long as I remember I have loved stories, and words, and worlds, and characters...and that list could go on and on.  I spent much of my formative years with my nose buried in a book. This all seemed to come to a head in third grade when I first read a book called Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone*. This isn't to say my reading habits peaked in third grade. On the contrary, my passion for reading only grew, to the point where my third grader-self made a declaration of intent to become an author someday.  While my ideas for "what I want to be when I grow up" have changed in terms of what I want to do to earn money, I have always dreamt of being published, and I have always, in some part, attributed that to my love of Harry Potter, and the ability of one woman to capture my imagination so fully.  This paragraph makes for a decent paraphrasing of my college essay. Needless to say, I'm a bit obsessed with Harry Potter. (Would you believe me if I said it was a healthy obsession? I could be so much worse...)

The First Seeing

Over the years I have tried my hand, multiple times, at keeping journals and blogs, and have invariably failed at it.  I can be a bit of a procrastinator, especially when the only thing motivating me is my own sense of accomplishment/fulfillment (yet somehow I still managed to win NaNoWriMo last year). This is why I have various stories and poems lying about in various notebooks and electronic folders in various stages of completion.  However, I thought I might try one last attempt at running a blog.  After all, I’ve got a lot to say.

I figure I might as well properly introduce myself. My name is Rebecca, and I’m currently seventeen years old. I’m going to Smith College next school year--an all women’s school in Northampton, MA--and am outrageously excited for it.

I’m black. I’m bi. I’m a feminist. I’m a nerd(fighter). And I’m sure that all of those will have significant relevance throughout my posts. I’m opinionated. I can be loud. I will frequently go off on long and impassioned (read: loud, possibly incomprehensible) rants when the world pisses me off. Or ramble in a similar manner about things that fill me with glee.

I love to read (YA [John Green, Maureen Johnson, David Levithan, Libba Bray], classic [The Great Gatsby, Catcher in the Rye, Pride and Prejudice], fantasy [Harry Potter], mystery [Poe, Nancy Drew], nonfiction [history, memoir, sociology, biography], poetry [Plath, Dickinson, Whitman], short stories [Poe again, Chekhov], dystopian/utopian [Hunger Games, The Giver, Brave New World]), write (fantasy, poetry, short stories, romance), watch sci-fi/fantasy shows (Doctor Who, Merlin, Torchwood, Supernatural, A:TLA, Firefly, Dollhouse), learn about random parts of history (French Revolution, Tudor England), get involved with social justice, anything British (apparently I'm a bit of an Anglophile), help people, be pedantic...

I hate bigotry, ignorance, intentional cruelty (not that I’m a fan of unintentional cruelty either), dishonesty, corruption, stereotypes, the misuse of language...

And so, I’ll probably talk about all of these things. And more. And hopefully manage to marginally entertain/inform people along the way. I don’t have any big plans for this blog at this point. I want to have a place to talk about what interests me, what frustrates me, and just life in general. Plus, writing helps me organize my thoughts--and discussion helps to add nuance and understanding (and even change, in extreme circumstances) to my opinions.

~Au Revoir