This is late, but let’s pretend
this was posted on Thursday J:
Today is National Coming Out Day.
I briefly considered posting what seems to be the obligatory
“I’m queer! Happy Coming Out Day!” status update on Facebook. Then I spent some time last night, and at
different points throughout the day, thinking about how I might add to that
rather insubstantial statement (not to undermine everyone who did post statuses
of that sort) to make it more empowering and more inclusive. But the more I thought about what I might
say; I began to realize that I have a lot of thoughts about “coming out” and
they wouldn’t all fit into a status update.
I’ve never quite understood, personally, how to go through
the process of “coming out.” I have yet
to date a person of the same sex, and even though I am very vocal about whom I
find attractive—male, female, or otherwise—how I identify myself to others
isn’t really necessary. My sexuality is
an important part of me, and I want
to share that part of myself with others.
At the same time, it’s a bit awkward to bring up the subject with people
I barely know, or people I’ve known for years, but am only acquaintances
with. I’ve never made an effort to
broadcast my sexuality, because it really isn’t anyone’s business, but I also
haven’t made an effort to “stay in the closet,” so to speak.
In talking about the concept of “coming out” with another
Smithie, it was also pointed out that the phrase itself is problematic in some
ways, and an inadequate way of describing the process of disclosing one’s sexuality/gender
identity. To begin with, “coming out”—as
my fellow Smithie pointed out—is a process. As a person meets new people and begins to grow
comfortable with them, it may mean having to go about “coming out” multiple
times. The phrase also has, in some ways,
a negative connotation, as the idea of a “closet” implies that a person is
trying to hide. In trying to come up with a different way of framing and
talking about the concept of “coming out”, I came up with the phrase “discovering
and sharing” one’s sexuality/gender identity.
For many people, understanding their own sexuality/gender identity is a
process, and in a very heteronormative (among a laundry list of other restrictions)
culture it can be quite difficult. And
for some, “discovering” their sexuality/gender identity may be a continuous
experience as they learn new things about themselves and, by extension, their sexuality/gender
identity. “Coming out” can often be
liberating, or a political statement, but, for me, telling my friends that I am
bi* felt more like I was just sharing another aspect of my personality with
them.
It is also important to keep in mind that the act of “coming
out” is, in many ways, a privileged act.
While plenty of people choose to share their sexuality/gender identity
regardless of what reaction they think they will receive, still others choose
not to do so out of fear. Unfortunately,
this fear isn’t unsubstantiated. Hate
crimes, bullying, homelessness, familial rejection, job less, etc. are all very
valid concerns of people who do not identify as cisgendered and/or
heterosexual. For some people “staying
in the closet” is safer. I certainly
don’t say any of this to discourage people from “coming out.” Sharing one’s sexuality/gender identity is frequently
a risk, but for many it is a risk they are willing to take.
The ultimate objective behind National Coming Out Day, I
believe, is to create visibility.
National Coming Out Day exists to inform people that LGBT people are not
just the people you see in Lifetime
movies, or protesting on the news. We
occupy every corner of society. We are your sisters, your brothers, your cousins,
your nieces, your nephews, your aunts, your uncles, your friends, your classmates,
your colleagues—and on and on the list goes.
We’re here; we’re queer;
get over it.
*I define bi as having the capacity to be attracted to people
of all, or no, genders.
<3
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